I was looking through the old stuff in my LJ for the 'soundtrack to my life' quiz and started to read some of the old stuff. And now I'm bored at work, so have decided to write a long and rambly post about my time at high school. Because I can.
I was a very ansty frosh. I stuck to where I was comfortable. I remember telling Janine something about where we would sit, us from table 5. Now, some of the same people sit there. But I don't. If I go out to see the people there, it is more often then not to be like "Hi, can I borrow money?" Some things never change. I don't know why I drifted. Maybe its because of the changing relationships, the awkwardness of me and Dave (I feel I gave up the area to Dave, and that was when I started to retreat into something else... though not really). I feel like it was then that I started to drift. I didn't want to be with those people as much as I had used to. In freshman year I wore a cloak, a sari, and I was recognizable. I was a "freak" as Erica would call me. I wasn't afraid to be different. What changed? I guess I got tired of having to deal with the cloak and the sari, of trying to get the backpack over them, and the limitations it put on what I could wear underneath. My back started to hurt, and I needed the full support of the two strap backpack. That's what I tell myself anyways. Perhaps though, it was not so much the backpack. I wanted to be normal perhaps? I don't know. I don't think I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be different, to stand out. I would never have gotten bored with that. Sophmore year wore me down. I hated my classes, I was lonely and terrified of who I had become. Then there was me and Dave, which was wearing because it was when I realized that I just don't want to be in a relationship that much. I don't know, I might get there, I might be ready for it some day, but I can't stand the idea of sharing everything with another person, of having to hang out with them every second of the day. Sophmore year was also the year of RP. When Will and Adair and the others mattered more then the real world. I was obsessed, but I had friends. I had Dany and Cat. I still talk to Cat on occasion, because we were never like me and Dany. I miss Dany, terribly sometimes. I kind of ignore it, but it happened suddenly, but slowly. I don't know if she pulled away, or if I did, or if Jacob and Dany became to happy and therefore boring, but it happned. And I didn't know what to do about that. Me and Dany (real) don't have anything in common except for those characters. I guess I just got over it. Slowly. Junior year was busy, stressful. I can't remember alot of it. I spent too much time running. From everything. What I wanted, what I needed. It was all a flurry, an attempt to do something, and failing. Everything went down except for Art of Dining (props were good) and NaNoWriMo (which I am finally rewriting). I don't know how to discribe my junior year except as a year of disappointments. Sitting in front of the call board and staring at that list. I'm healed, but it still hurts. The summer. Tanzania. It effected so much more then my life. It changed relationships and how I deal with things. I gained. I lost. Senior year has been good to me though. Shadow Box was amazing, though completely different from what I expected. WSS is stessful now we are into February. Shit shit shit. Classes are good. I like them, even if I do poorly in them. I know what I want to do, unlike so many of my peers, who seem to be directionless. Though I may be having doubts. I hate to be tied down.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
timeasmymeasure
