![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I don't really remember when it was that I stopped liking people as much as I did last year. I have a guess, but I am sure you all have your guesses as to what happened and why -- after all, I may be screwed up beyond repair, but it doesn't mean that I'm not easy to pick apart. I was going through my contact list today adding in summer staff and including last names on people (suddenly I have doubles in my phone where I didn't used to?) and I deleted people. I finally lost Liisa's number. I threw away Min Ju's. I deleted DePeter. It was sad and made me feel odd, but ultimately, I think that the one that mattered the most to me was getting rid of Liisa's. (I will never see Min Ju again, unless she takes an upper level pysch class, and... well DePeter... if you know why, then you know why).
Anyways, the reason I bring this up is that last night I was sitting at the front desk of McDowell, working from midnight to six (not as hard a feat as working midnight to eight for some reason) and Matt M was there. Matt M is this really sweet, really geeky boy who reminds me somewhat of Dave Harris (there will be more on this later). He doesn't like to sleep at night, and was on duty last night (yes like RAs) and we were talking about Firefly and xkcd and work and the game I was playing (plants v. zombies = AMAZING) but I didn't really want him to be around I realized.
I've spent so much of this semester, and this year alone. I go places alone, I find things to do alone. If I want to talk to someone, I call Kat, I talk to Dany, but people around me are not utilized. I thought for a while it was because I wasn't trying, that if I just made the effort I would manage to make better friends down here, I would find that place where I would be socially happy. But last night, I figured out that it was not that I wasn't making an effort -- I always try when people are around, aware of the fact that I have to be the one who makes things happen -- its that I don't want people around me. I want to be alone.
And the problem with this is not that I want to be alone -- its that I also want to be with people. I want things like close friends living in the same city as me. I really do, but at the same time when I'm around people, I always want to be away from them. I want to be protected from getting hurt again. I want both and the conflict is annoying.
But that is me over-thinking things. On the same note of over thinking -- Matt M. I'm not sure if any of you really remember Dave Harris and I dating. It wasn't really dating, because like honestly we hardly kissed and never made out and its terribly embarrassing for me to think of it as dating (especially since we were what... fifteen?). Well, the more I think about Dave, the more I think that he was rather perfect for me: dorky and into the same things as me, but sweet and funny, not really attractive, and rather bookish and somewhat talented in certain areas. He was this kind of ideal that I felt like I should love.
The problem was that I wasn't really into him. I was into the idea of him, but in actual practice it was painful to be around him because he had feelings for me that I could not reciprocate and I hated that because come on, he was my ideal. Anyways, our relationship (haha, relationship) lasted for about three weeks I think before I felt like I had been leading him on too much and we broke up and were really awkward for a while (read two years) before we would talk again. I think the problem was that I couldn't get it out of my head that he was my ideal enough for us to just be friends -- which I would have loved.
Anyways, the thing is Matt M reminds me of Dave in this respect. He's sweet and funny and into sci-fi, and is actually slightly more attractive then Dave because he's tall (like wicked tall) and he's a red-head (haha... remember those days when red-heads were the ones I was attracted to?). Matt even is slightly conservative (libertarian) which I think is something that makes guys automatically more attractive to me (yes, I like conservative boys, what the hell is wrong with me? Me the extreme liberal, liking the conservative boys?). Matt's sort of this ideal for me, and of course -- I feel no attraction towards him except of the kind where I feel like I should.
Well, whatever, he has a girlfriend anyway, and I do believe I just want to be his friend, I just have problems and need to over think things. Other problem with wanting to be friends with him -- my weird thing about not wanting to have friends because of my fear of being screwed over and over and over again. ^^;
Anyways, the reason I bring this up is that last night I was sitting at the front desk of McDowell, working from midnight to six (not as hard a feat as working midnight to eight for some reason) and Matt M was there. Matt M is this really sweet, really geeky boy who reminds me somewhat of Dave Harris (there will be more on this later). He doesn't like to sleep at night, and was on duty last night (yes like RAs) and we were talking about Firefly and xkcd and work and the game I was playing (plants v. zombies = AMAZING) but I didn't really want him to be around I realized.
I've spent so much of this semester, and this year alone. I go places alone, I find things to do alone. If I want to talk to someone, I call Kat, I talk to Dany, but people around me are not utilized. I thought for a while it was because I wasn't trying, that if I just made the effort I would manage to make better friends down here, I would find that place where I would be socially happy. But last night, I figured out that it was not that I wasn't making an effort -- I always try when people are around, aware of the fact that I have to be the one who makes things happen -- its that I don't want people around me. I want to be alone.
And the problem with this is not that I want to be alone -- its that I also want to be with people. I want things like close friends living in the same city as me. I really do, but at the same time when I'm around people, I always want to be away from them. I want to be protected from getting hurt again. I want both and the conflict is annoying.
But that is me over-thinking things. On the same note of over thinking -- Matt M. I'm not sure if any of you really remember Dave Harris and I dating. It wasn't really dating, because like honestly we hardly kissed and never made out and its terribly embarrassing for me to think of it as dating (especially since we were what... fifteen?). Well, the more I think about Dave, the more I think that he was rather perfect for me: dorky and into the same things as me, but sweet and funny, not really attractive, and rather bookish and somewhat talented in certain areas. He was this kind of ideal that I felt like I should love.
The problem was that I wasn't really into him. I was into the idea of him, but in actual practice it was painful to be around him because he had feelings for me that I could not reciprocate and I hated that because come on, he was my ideal. Anyways, our relationship (haha, relationship) lasted for about three weeks I think before I felt like I had been leading him on too much and we broke up and were really awkward for a while (read two years) before we would talk again. I think the problem was that I couldn't get it out of my head that he was my ideal enough for us to just be friends -- which I would have loved.
Anyways, the thing is Matt M reminds me of Dave in this respect. He's sweet and funny and into sci-fi, and is actually slightly more attractive then Dave because he's tall (like wicked tall) and he's a red-head (haha... remember those days when red-heads were the ones I was attracted to?). Matt even is slightly conservative (libertarian) which I think is something that makes guys automatically more attractive to me (yes, I like conservative boys, what the hell is wrong with me? Me the extreme liberal, liking the conservative boys?). Matt's sort of this ideal for me, and of course -- I feel no attraction towards him except of the kind where I feel like I should.
Well, whatever, he has a girlfriend anyway, and I do believe I just want to be his friend, I just have problems and need to over think things. Other problem with wanting to be friends with him -- my weird thing about not wanting to have friends because of my fear of being screwed over and over and over again. ^^;
